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Five Minute Meetings (5MM) are a tool to begin and manage discussions that deal with “hot topics” in manner that gives both parties time to breath and think and to share their thoughts and feelings.
GOALS
- To reduce fear of discussing difficult topics and to create a mechanism for initiating and managing a structured dialogue difficult or important issues
- To contain hot issues and emotions into small 5 minute “firebreaks” which serve to both facilitate more thoughtful dialogue while reducing the heat.
- To create emotional breaks between 5MM sessions during which a partner may formulate more reflective responses to a spouse’s concerns
- To provide a predictable path for continued discussion and turn taking as the couple pursues the topics raised over days, weeks, or even months.
EXPECTATIONS
- Do expect progress in understanding each other better, but do not expect resolution of an issue during any single 5MM, or even in a series of 5MM’s.
This process is only intended to foster communication that will help solve
the problem, perhaps in another format.
- Do not expect your spouse to return to your issue when it his or her turn to initiate a 5MM. He or she may wish to do so, but you should respect their right to raise another issue when it is their turn. You have every right to return to your topic when you initiate your next 5MM. That is an excellent time in which to request a response to issues raised previously.
- Accept that the response to some questions and issues may be “I don’t know” or “I still haven’t decided.” This process is to encourage communication. It may help produce better decisions, but it is not itself designed to be a five minute decision making process.
- Have a long term perspective. Seek to raise a question or concern, or to plant a seed for thought and reflection which will produce fruit either in a subsequent 5MM or in another setting.
RULES FOR A 5 MINUTE MEETING
- The initiator sets the agenda and states his or her issue or concern. Generally, the opening statement should be relatively brief to provide room for an initial, brief response.
- – If the opening statement is emotion packed, it should be stated in 30 seconds or less in order to prevent “too much” emotion being interjected (and aroused) right at the start of the 5 minute session. This isn’t a forum for a 5 minute, one-sided rant. If the initial statement cannot be stated in less than 30 seconds, it should be written and given to the responder to read at the beginning of the 5MM.
- – A long discourse may be allowed, especially if the topic requires an exchange of a lot of information. But a long discourse should not include accusations or arouse emotions in the responder for which he or she is denied the opportunity to respond – or it is likely to result in time out, which would be quite appropriate.
- Use a timer set for 5 minutes. Discussion ends after 5 minutes. This is a strict rule. Any unstated or unfinished business must be retained for a subsequent 5MM.
- Always respect a call for “time out.” Never try to get in one more word. (See guidelines below.)
- Pass a baton (or the timer) to designate which spouse has the floor at any given time. Try to keep your turn to less than two minutes so your spouse doesn’t feel preached at and is given time to respond. On the other hand, if your spouse goes over two minutes, try to be patient, but use the “raised hand” option before your emotions begin to flood.
- The non-speaker may raise a hand to indicate a desire to ask a question, to speak, or to interject a request to cool down any accusatory tones, for example, or to simply request a break in a long oration.
- – A raised hand can be ignored, but should always be respected. Obviously, ignoring a raised hand may increase the frustration of the listener and lead to a call for a time out. So it is advisable to be generous in winding up your statement and passing the baton.
- – The speaker should try not to experience a raised hand as an insult, provocation, or sign of lack of concern in about what is being said.
- – If your raised hand is ignored, try not to interpret this as an insult or provocation but instead as a sign of the speaker’s intense desire to finish sharing an important thought.
- –Be patient with each other, and generous in allowing each other to share his or her thoughts and feelings as you seek to slowly make progress through a tough issue–which is only tough because it touches on very important and conflicting issues and needs for each of you.
- Either party may ask for mirroring before the other responds to what has been stated. This may be especially helpful after the initiator completes the opening statement. The request should be in the form of: “Would you please mirror my thoughts (or feelings) before responding?” The mirroring party should then:
- –Summarize the other’s statement/ thoughts / or feelings (which ever the requester requested)
- –Acknowledge something reasonable in that was said and/or empathy for the feelings expressed.
- –Ask “Did I get that about right?” Listen, and if necessary, repeat these steps until the other agrees you understand.
- –Request to move on with a response: “May I share my own thoughts or feelings about that, now?”
GENERAL GUIDELINES
- Except in extraordinary circumstances, each spouse should be willing to participate as a responder to at least one 5MM per day. The spouse calling the five minute meeting is the initiator, the other is the responder. So you would be willing to participate in 2 5MM per day. Once as initiator. Once as responder.
- Don’t rush from one 5MM to another. A minimum of 10 to 15 minutes for reflection time should be allowed between 5MM’s. A period of several hours for reflection time is not inappropriate, especially given the demands of other duties.
- During any single 24 hour period, the right to initiate a 5MM should alternate. This right may be waived to allow a spouse to initiate a second 5MM, after the minimum reflection time has passed, if the other spouse whose “turn” it is to initiate does not have a 5MM issue of his or her own to raise and is willing to participate in another 5MM.
- Discussion may end in less than 5 minutes by mutual agreement. A responder’s request to end early “to think about it,” should generally be respected, but such a request is also an invitation to allow the initiator a chance to make one last closing statement. If not previously done, a request to end early may be followed by the initiator requesting the responder to at least mirror (see below) the initiator’s concerns.
- Either spouse may call a time out, ending the 5MM before the 5 minutes are up. But this should always be followed by at least one attempt at a “return ritual” to complete or restart the discussion.
- – Time outs are especially appropriate if either spouse feels the topic is becoming too heated or is likely to become too heated if pursued further. Watch your body. If your heart starts beating faster, you start breathing faster, and you expect you are starting to become “flooded” with emotions, it may be important to call a time out.
- – After separating for a time out and before returning to finish the conversation, each person should write a brief description of the other person’s feelings at the time the time out was called. For example, “I think you were feeling tense.” DO NOT offer an explanation for why the other was feeling that way, just
try to identify the feeling. Let the other person explain why, if they choose. You might also try to write, in a kind and objective way, what point the other person was trying to make.
- – This short written “I think you were feeling…” statement should be shared with the other at the time of the return ritual. Each person should either confirm that the other party got their feelings “right” or try to clarify what they were feeling until the other person can acknowledge and understand each others feelings.
- – Remember: don’t judge each other feelings! Feelings just are, even if they seem “unreasonable.” Try to honor each others feelings before, during, and after you talk about issues, facts, and perceptions.
- If a topic cannot be pursued for five continuous minutes without repeated recourse to time outs, it may be reserved for a counseling session.
(5mm from David Reardon)
The Sacrifice of Isaac
Q: Why did God ask Abraham to sacrafice Isaac when he was twelve?
A: Because if He had waited until Isaac was a teenager, it wouldn’t have been a sacrifice.
Teens and Lightbulbs
Q: How many teenagers does it take to screw in a lightbulb.
A: Only one. She just holds the lightbulb and lets the whole world revolve around her.
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